The ambiguous oxymoronicity of mental peace

What do you mean by “mental peace”? Doesn’t it sound oxymoronic? The one day I don’t get an anxiety attack is when I feel something is wrong.

So here’s what a day looks like in my life. I wake up by 6, get depressed for apparently no reason at all, and then go back to sleep again. Meanwhile, my laptop near my bed is blasting “tell me why, ain’t nothin but a heartache…” pushing me further into the deep dark depth of despair. At around 9 am or so, for no visible (or sensible) reason, I get an anxiety attack. Ah! Nature’s alarm clock. I wake up sweaty and chug a bottle of water. “Calm down! Calm down!” says one of my inner voices but the others bully him while screaming, “Oh! Don’t even think about that chum”. The song on my laptop has changed to, “but I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell…” trying to give me the boost I need to get up and make my way to the bathroom. Hrmmm… Gathering all my strength I somehow leave my bed and make my to the wash basin. I turn on the light, stare at the mirror, and the face staring back just kicks open the door to unmeasurable gloom. “Maybe brushing ain’t for today”, I ponder, splash some water on my face, and walk off. “Fuck! I forgot to turn off the light”. So I walk back, turn off the light, and walk back again. “Ooohh! Black coffee, a.k.a. my morning fuel…” my brain squeaks as I pour a cup of the piping hot black liquid to quench my inner demons. I light a cigarette, take the first sip, and turn on my laptop. The bright light blinds me as I punch in the password to unlock. Clickity! Clackaty! Clack!

Ah! And now it's time to start on my day job. I only do it coz I can’t be a gigolo to pay my bills. I have nothing against gigolos. It’s just that I don’t have the body, attitude or energy for that. With passing time, my body is drained of energy. It’s a clear signal that I need food. But the lazy demon won’t let me cook. So a bowl of quick noodles is all I can manage.

Phew! The day is almost about to end. Another cup of the black elixir is needed along with a stick of smoke. With that, I just turn on some random videos as I half-heartedly shoot a few people... ON A VIDEO GAME!!! Geez guys! Do I have to spell everything out? Anyways, I suck at the games coz the voices inside me decided to have a meeting now to vote on what torment to bring upon me the next day. Argh!!! I shut down my computer and now walk into the kitchen in hope of conjuring some food for dinner. But that would mean 1 point for me and none for the demons. So they again force me to just satisfy myself with some cookies as I curl myself on the bed to get some sleep. Hoping that I don’t see the next day, sleep blankets over my body as things turn dark around me. The music on my computer is now blasting, “now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep”.

Buzz! Buzz! The loud noise of a text from some damned credit card company wakes me up. But hey!!! What’s this??? I feel different. I… I don’t feel the sudden anxiety or the sadness. Something is definitely wrong. This is not normal. The computer decides to give me a background score as it plays, “Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, that's life. Tryna make ends meet, you're a slave to money then you die…”