The Superman’s crotch problem

How does Superman scratch his crotch? Consider this situation, Metropolis is in trouble as the bad guys just looted a bank and are destroying the city as they bolt through the city in their getaway vehicle. Our man in blue, changes from his reporter suit and takes off to save the city.

As he is dashing through the blue skies (which are of a lower saturation than his costume), he realizes that his groin is going crazy. He has an itch that he needs to scratch. Now, the original Superman lore establishes that Superman’s clothes are made of Kryptonian fibre. It was obtained from the clothes that baby Kal-El was wrapped in when he was shot to earth in a rocket by his inconsiderate parents. I mean, was it really that hard for them to get a full sized spaceship and take a family trip cross planet? Also, how the fuck did they obtain enough fibre to make adult-sized clothes from a baby’s wrap-around?

But, that’s not the point. The thing is, Kryptonian fibre is super strong. Will that allow enough contact force for a decent scratch when the force is applied over them? And it’s infamous how uncomfortable an itch in the crotch can be. For a moment, let’s assume that Supes got enough strength to bypass the strength of the fibre. Is it enough to penetrate multiple layers? The classic Superman wore his underwear over his pants. Assuming he went commando, that’s still 2 layers of Kryptonian fibre. How much force does Superman need to apply for a comfortable scratch? You see, if you can’t scratch with ease, it really messes up your day. Look, I don’t have the power of flight. But I reckon, it won’t be fun scratching one’s balls mid-air. What’s the effect of gravity for a scratch mid-air? How would our saviour help us, when he is cramped down there? For a moment, I’m assuming he uses some kind of itch relief cream. Does the earthly cream work on Kryptonian skin? Maybe a composition of Earth’s cream with a bit of Kryptonian element does the work. But then again, Kryptonite is his weakness. Will applying a cream (even with the tiniest amount of Kryptonite) not affect his ability to get an erection (assuming it doesn’t affect him in other ways)? After all, he must have needs too.

Metropolis seems to have bigger problems than aliens crashing down into their cities.

These are the thoughts that worry me. And before I go, here’s something more to ponder upon. How does Clark Kent scratch his balls over his earthly clothes? Does the earthly fibre not just tear up with the massive force applied? You see, you really can’t control the force applied when you go for a good scratch. So the getaway car would have to wait for now.